#Pandemickids #Sports #TheMeasureofaCoach #TheMeasureofaMan

 

What do sports mean to you? What should it mean to your child?

 

Last year I released The Measure of a Man. It was inspired by the true story of my dad as a coach. He is who I compare all other coaches. In my opinion, few measure up to him, not only for his success but his ability to help develop young boys into men. When my children went to school, the gap between a coach, a good coach, and a great coach was never more evident.  

With the book, I wanted to show the importance of a mentor in a child’s life. 

 

My children were decent athletes. When my son was small, he always had a ball in his hand. When he got older, no matter what he played, he was good at it. My middle daughter had to work harder at being good but was successful herself in hockey and softball. They both played ball in college. I could list the awards both received, but in the end, neither became professional athletes. Instead, they became wonderful adults.

 

It goes to the point I want to make. Sports are a wonderful tool in developing young people. It can teach so much. My dad wrote—

BASKETBALL

 

Basketball is more than a game.

Basketball is hard work, endless hours of practice, driving oneself to your limit, never quitting, picking up yourself after a fall, and doing it all over again. It’s knowing and enacting your role into the best you can be.

More important is to work together with your teammates to accomplish your goal. Understand you are only as good as your team.

When things don’t go your way, or you might feel life hasn’t been fair to you, you never abandon your dreams. Not everyone goes down the same road to accomplish a goal. You might have to take another road to the end you hope to achieve.

But whatever course you choose, you never stop believing in yourself.

For one doesn’t necessarily have to be the best to achieve your dream, but to do your best. For when one’s team works in unison for a common goal, there is no limit to what that team can accomplish.

Basketball is much more than a game.

It is a way to live your life.

 

So, what am I getting at?

 

Sports are essential to children. All children need to dream and enjoy an activity. However, it doesn’t mean that they will grow up to be professional athletes or fail if they don’t. 

 

Some kids need sports as a lifeline. It can be used to help a child that might be considered challenging or troubled become that successful person. Especially growing up in the pandemic, children need an outlet. I foresee issues with some children because of the last year. The hospitals are full of children that have problems because of the pandemic. Can sports—football, baseball, hockey, softball, tennis, basketball— be that lifeline?

 

I haven’t promoted The Measure of a Man for the last few months. I don’t think that I have even tweeted about it during that time. Instead, my attention has been on my next release, The Waking Bell. Moreover, I have been knee-deep in my lavender.

 

Then, I took my grandson to a sports camp. He’s young, only six, but he wanted to go to a baseball camp. The previous two weeks, he was in a theater camp. He had a blast. Comparing JBoy to my son, there is a distinct difference. J boy is into piano, karate, and legos. Whereas my son, it was always some team sport. But, I believe it is important for kids to participate in team sports. More importantly, J Boy wanted to do it.

 

He was so excited to go to camp Monday morning. The camp was from 9 am to 2 pm. It was at a park with three fields and one porta-potty. When I picked him up for the first two days, he had a smile on his face. The call came to his mother about an hour later. The coach who is the head coach of the baseball team in our hometown said that J Boy is too disruptive. J Boy is too excited and bothers the other campers. He topped it off with the fact that J boy had put dirt in the water...the only water supply for the boys at the camp. He informed my daughter that they were a small camp and weren’t set to handle a behavior problem. He told her that J Boy couldn’t come back. The camp wasn’t equipped for boys like him.

 

My daughter was mortified. She asked if J boy could stay and promised to talk to J Boy to see if his behavior was better. The coach relented.

 

After taking away his TV and Nintendo for two weeks, J Boy returned to camp. This time though, I stayed. I wanted to ensure that he behaved, and if he didn’t, I would see what he was doing. The first thing J boy had to do was to apologize. He did so to the coach. The coach shrugged him off, quite rudely, with ok. It was when my guard came up. This grown man was obviously mad at a six-year-old. I saw it in his face.

 

We are coming off a pandemic where J boy was remote for kindergarten until April after his grandfather and I got our vaccinations. He is coming off an unprecedented year of confinement with only adults. I was aware of that fact and aware that the other kids were coming off the same year. His mother and I realized that it’s important for him to learn how to interact with other children.

 

We believe we know J Boy well. He does get excited when he’s around other children but usually settles down. He just came off a camp where they loved him, and he excelled. But six-year-old boys need to understand there are rules to behavior. J Boy is no exception.

 

J Boy told his mother he put the dirt in the water on a dare and only after another boy had done it. But he’s responsible for his own actions and needs to learn not to let others dictate his behavior. As for disruptive behavior, the coach said he was punching, not hitting anyone but doing punches close to other boys and making them feel uncomfortable. I could see that because J Boy does karate. He needs to learn that’s not acceptable. 

 

BUT pulling him out wasn’t going to tell him anything other than the coaches thought he was bad.

 

So, I sat out in the hot sun for three days without a bit of shade and observed. I never interfered, but now I was there not only because I didn’t trust what J Boy would do, but I didn’t trust the coaches.

 

My observations:

 

1) There was no one to direct the younger boys, 7 and 6 years old. They expected them to stand in line the entire time and wait their turn. In this camp of forty-something boys, there were only five coaches, one of whom sat on the bench the whole time. From my experience, that age group needs directions. The older boys in his group continually cut in line in front of the younger ones. No one called them out. No one ensured that the younger boys got their turns.

 

By the second day of my presence, I realized exactly what had happened. One of the older boys in J Boys group was a good baseball player. For his age, he could hit, catch, and throw. BUT he has all the makings of a bully. I had noticed that it was always him cutting in front of the younger ones and going in front of them to make a play. On one of the occasions when he was cutting in front of J Boy, J Boy— for once— wanted his turn. This kid pushed J Boy back and then tackled him to the ground, got him in a head hold, and then got up and stomped him with his foot. I rushed to the coach on the bench. His response was he would talk with him—and preceded to talk to the wrong boy.

 

I was upset. My instinct was to jerk J Boy immediately out of camp, but I sat back down. The kid realized he had been seen. He didn’t physically bother J Boy for the rest of the time. But it called attention to the fact that life is never fair. This kid was constantly going to the coaches telling on J Boy. Once I heard him tell on J Boy for picking his nose. 

 

2) There were no instructions with the camp. I’m not a professional coach, but I used to coach my daughter’s softball team and have watched other baseball and softball camps in action. I have never experienced one where the kids went from one station to another and did not get individual instruction on how to stand at-bat, throw, or catch. Nor have I experienced one where they were trying to teach six-year-olds how to bunt and crow hop. Instead, they would show the entire group what to do, and then each would take their turn—that is, if they weren’t cut in line.

 

This observation wasn’t only for the younger kids. At times, they had sessions with all the kids together. So 12 to 6 years old were together. There was a twelve-year-old that had an awful stance at-bat. He had the look of a baseball player, but he was always coming around late when he tried to hit. In my opinion, his bat was too high, and his front foot was too pointed to get around quick enough. I never heard any instructions from anyone. 

 

3) We have all dealt with fathers who coach their own children. Some well...others not so good. But for youth sports, the fact of the matter is that parents are the only ones willing to devote their time to the team. Some of these parents are inevitably biased toward their own children. But when it comes to professional coaches, they shouldn’t make a difference; when parents are paying for a camp, it’s not professional to put your kid in front of the other campers. At this camp, this coach had his two children in J Boys group. For example, once J Boy was going up to bat, the coach’s daughter pushed him back. Instead of making his daughter wait her turn, the coach allowed her to go ahead of J Boy. 

 

I’m speaking from experience having a father as a coach. He was always harder on us than anyone else.

 

4) The bottom line is that this camp was only a money maker.

 

It’s a live and learn experience. J Boy learned that there are rules to follow. He is just now being exposed to other kids. There are social cues he still has to learn. To make it clear, J Boy wanted to go every day. He loves to be a part of something. He loves being around other kids.

 

 BUT I’m not letting that coach and the other coaches off so easy. I made sure that J Boy behaved with just my presence, but while I was there, I saw a lot worse behavior than putting dirt into the water, and some of it was by the coaches. They are the adults. The way they dealt with this needs to be addressed. The way they treated J boy wasn’t acceptable.

 

You shouldn’t be a coach if you immediately write off a child. J Boy’s father isn’t in his life which J Boy announced to the camp once when he was at bat during a scrimmage. The boys were talking about their dads. J Boy stepped back and said he didn’t have one. The coach heard it. He knew, and that fact wasn’t important to him.

 

J Boy is fortunate that he has my husband to look up to, but what if he didn’t? How much harm could this coach have done to J Boy if we weren’t here for him— if coaches like him were the ones J Boy is supposed to look up to?

 

Some of the kids went to the playground after the last day. I got to talk with the mothers. One said that she would have pulled her child out if she had known they threatened to dismiss J Boy. I spoke of the water incident and that the coach blamed J Boy for not having water for the other campers on a 90-degree day. One of the mothers said that was ridiculous since there was a store less than a minute down the road where they could have easily gotten more water.

  

The bottom line was that the coach was right. That camp wasn’t equipped for a boy like J Boy. Neither were they qualified to oversee any of the 7 and 6 years olds. 

 

THIS IS WHY I WROTE THE MEASURE OF A MAN!!!

 

Instead of requesting...almost demanding... J Boy not return to camp, what if the coach had reached out to J Boy? What if he explained to his mother what had happened and discussed the issue? What if he asked if she had seen that behavior before? Or even what can he do to help if he thought truly thought it was a behavior issue? 

 

 What if he sat down with J Boy and talked to him to see why he did it instead of ignoring what J Boy was trying to tell him? What if someone had been watching the younger boys like they should have been? I’m not trying to dismiss J Boy’s actions, but shouldn’t someone have been overseeing 6 and 7 years old?

 

What if the coach cared?

 

I believe the major difference between this coach and my dad— my dad knew boys. Dad knew how to get the best out of his boys. Dad could read a kid... even a six year old. Dad wanted all his boys to succeed. Dad ran camps during his coaching tenure. I could never imagine that he would ever lose control of a group of seven and six years old. As a matter of fact, I know he wouldn’t have.

Think about the difference that coach could have made in a kid’s life.

 

I doubt this will be the last time J Boy does something that will need to be corrected. He is an energetic boy. A normal energetic boy. 

 

When I brought him to camp, J Boy was greeted cheerfully by all the boys...all the boys. Even the older ones. 

 

J Boy won’t be going back to this camp.

 

I cringe when I think of how adults in a position to help a child can harm them so easily with their words. I’m not exaggerating when I say this coach had a great disdain for J Boy. I hope that J Boy didn’t pick up on it, but kids do. 

 

We live in a town where high school team sports have always done well in competitions. But we also live in a town where the high school’s coaches have been fired for misconduct. Last year, the football coach was fired for allowing his team to use anti-Semitic language, the hockey coach was fired for sexual abuse allegations, and the athletic director left for reasons unknown. It has been a pattern. So, what is wrong with this town? There is an atmosphere that needs not only to be addressed but fixed. 

 

Coaches need to understand that their actions directly affect their players. I put my dad on a pedestal, but I also know that he wasn’t perfect. But he cared about the boys that played for him. It’s important to care about more than wins and losses. It’s important to instill values into players so they can become successful adults. Not all the players will, but like a great coach once said—

 

“Do your best. The rest will fall into place.”